Friday, July 01, 2005

MoveOn: And Yet I Just Can't Seem To

I am compelled to take time out from my punitive apartment-rejecting schedule to tell you just exactly how much MoveOn can fuck off and die. A real, real honest-to-god lot, is how much.

Exhibit A:
An email sent out yesterday, winningly entitled Movie Night to Fight the Right, urging us to join Operation Democracy (yes, it seems the slogan-crafting arm of MoveOn is staffed by fourth-graders):
The best way to join an Operation Democracy team is to have a party: come together with other MoveOn members near you, watch and discuss a political movie, join a local team, and when the issues heat up you'll have people to work with. The weekend of July 8-10, we're organizing "Progressive Movie Night" house parties across the country. They're easy, fun, and a great way to get started.
See, gang? Politics doesn't have to be onerous and grotty! You don't have to hang out with smelly activists. Heck, you don't even have to leave your impeccably-coordinated-in-a-restful-palette-of-beiges-and-taupes living room. Who says politics can't involve brie?

This one takes me back to the good old days of the MoveOn Bake Back the White House campaign, wherein they, and once again I assure you I would not shit you, organized fucking bake sales across our great nation. A clarion call went out to the staunch MoveOn legions to take to their kitchens and whip up Rice Krispy Treats in their thousands, then get out there and sell the bejeezus out of them and send in all their little quarters and dimes to help fund the election campaign of a pro-war candidate.

Exhibit B:
This one titled, in terse Graham-Greenesque Emailers of Action idiom, 'BREAKING: Justice O'Connor resigns. Act now.'
Early this morning Sandra Day O'Connor stepped down from the Supreme Court, leaving the first open seat in more than 10 years. As a moderate Justice, she helped protect our rights for decades. With Bush likely to nominate a replacement in a matter of hours or days, our most basic rights and freedoms are suddenly very much up for grabs.

This is the time to act.
Oh, and act they have. When you felt the ground beneath you shaking earlier today? That'll have been the impact of MoveOn's new Emergency Petition. They want us to sign a petition, you see, calling on our senators to 'protect our rights'. Just that. Protect them, please. Our rights. Protect them.

Mysteriously, according to some arcane Calculus Of Pretend Political Impact, they've determined that '250,000 signatures by Tuesday' is the minimum quantum of Acting that will induce these unspecified senators to acquiesce to our fathomlessly nebulous demand for rights-protection.

But see? We will have Acted. We will have taken some of that unbearable negative energy inside us engendered by just How Awful the administration is, and we will have done something with it. Something so brain-searingly useless that it's actually physically impossible for me to speak about, true, but Something nonetheless. And that, friends, is what MoveOn is for.

Now, in honor of this banner week in the history of MoveOn's campaign to castrate the American left, let's all play a little game. It's called the 'We can do better than Operation Democracy' game, and to play you just make up a new slogan for MoveOn, one that's just a wee bit more accurately descriptive of their unique role in American political life.

Here, I'll get you started with a few:

MoveOn: Lemonade for Liberalism

MoveOn: Hamster-Wheel Of Progressive America

MoveOn: Angst For Change

MoveOne: Pointless and Ineffectual, Yet Oddly Pleased With Ourselves

All right, kids, it's as easy as that. Show us what you're made of!

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