Thursday, July 21, 2005

Hillary Makes The World Safe For Children Again

Parents, you can breathe easy again. The degenerate pimps behind Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas are today supping on the bitter fruit of their misdeeds. GTA: SA has been uprated to 'Adults Only' following findings that the much-fussed-over unlockable sex scenes were in fact coded into the game by the publishers.

It's heartening to see the Entertainment Software Ratings Board plying its standards so vigorously, and with such scalpel-like precision. Clearly the hidden presence of sex scenes that have to be ferreted out with the addition of a special software modification to the player warrants, at the very least, restricted access. Not so, however, a game in which 'players could have sex with a prostitute and then beat her to death and take back their money. That game was rated "Mature" because players did not see the sex. Instead, they saw a parked car rock back and forth.'

Teenagers seeing explicit sex? Get thee behind me, PlayStation! Teenagers getting to experience the thrill of fucking and murdering a hooker in a parked car? Bring it. Just so long as they're Mature, and they have to use their vivid little imaginations to actually visualize the action.

No, but this is a great day. Our children are delivered from the perils of encountering, after much effort of downloading and mod installation, actual visible sexual activity undertaken by really badly rendered
6-inch-high avatars whose contours are all at funny angles and who look like flat cardboard cutouts against their backgrounds (and presumably each other). What a relief!

Thank god there isn't any kind of vast, easily accessible global data repository from which they could in 2 minutes acquire real footage of actual live women being fucked by boa constrictors.

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